Sara's Virtual Notebook

Questo cuore sparpagliato è delicato. (Explore #345)
Originally uploaded by MafyDS.

In the midst of trying to select my Word for the Year, I had it whittled down to two, but only one was courting me. I say “courting” because I was inexplicably drawn to it, found it so totally appealing, but I was also feeling it wasn’t the right word, which is ironic since the word was Authenticity. It was a little like a flirtation with a bad boy while my soul mate stood behind me, waiting patiently for me to decide. And I just love the word Authenticity. It’s a trait I very much appreciate in others, and that I very much seek for myself. It was bandied about quite a bit while I was reading Style Statement. It comes up with a vengeance in my life, that one sexy word.

But then I got to wondering how it would guide me through the year. If faced with the opportunity to, say, stuff my face with a whole pizza and two-liter Coke, would I find that authentic? Would I even understand how authenticity applies in such a situation? What IS authenticity? It requires a lot of self-knowledge, which is not something I totally lack, but it could use some work. It didn’t feel like a steering word for me. How can I steer my vessel when the compass is all fogged up? In essence, Authenticity didn’t feel, well, authentic. Which probably means I’m on to something.

The word that quietly and patiently waited in the background for me to get a little sense, was  Self-Love. Now I know, it’s a hyphenate, not really A word, but it’s on Christine’s list! And it’s what jumped out at me. Those closest to me would probably agree that Self-Love is a great place to start, a great First Word. I am the woman, after all, who flushed her glasses down the toilet on her birthday this year, totally by accident. And how did that happen? See, I have this habit of taking my glasses off when I pass large mirrors, so that I don’t have to see myself and feel pangs of horror. So whenever I entered the bathroom, I removed them. Sometimes I put them on the sink and other times, like this time, I put them on the toilet paper dispenser. I grabbed them just as the toilet was flushing and they slipped out of my hands. This was a powerful toilet and my glasses were lightweight and VOILA! They were gone. And my secret shame was now out in the open.

My mother used to say “You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.” It’s one of those cliché truisms that she spoke but didn’t truly live up to herself.  So I didn’t have a map to follow. Yet it made perfect sense, and I honestly believe it’s the foundation upon which everything else stands. Without Self-Love we can hardly expect to experience joy, happiness or true generosity, no matter which direction that generosity flows. If I am concerned about my own worth, I will look downwards and inwards rather than outwards. It will prevent me from seeing you clearly, seeing anything clearly. Life without Self-Love is a foggy mirror, but Self-Love can be the compass out of the fog!

So say I’m faced with that “let’s-eat-a-whole-pizza-and-drink-two-liters-of-Coke” scenario.  It’s easy to see that doing that would NEVER be Self-Loving. Which is not to say that Self-Love is going to deny me pizza or cupcakes. It’s just going to love moderation, instead. Already, Self-Love is turning out to be a much better steering word. To do my Morning Pages or not? Is it Authentic? Hard to say. Is it Self-Loving? Yes. It is Self-Loving to do my Morning Pages, until the day comes where it’s Too Much Pressure to do them, and on that day, it will be Self-Loving not to. It will change in the moment. It will steer my ship towards the sun!

What’s even groovier is that Self-Love encompasses within itself a lot of the other words I was trying on. In a situation where Authenticity is a proper steering word such as “Should I speak my Truth or not?”, the Authentic way is going to match up with the Self-Loving way. Health falls under the umbrella of Self-Love because Self-Love won’t be letting me sacrifice my Wellness for anything.  But she will be Gentle, because this isn’t Boot Camp. I can see myriad ways where Self-Love will lead me to Courage, Growth, and Presence. Certainly Acceptance and Forgiveness live under this umbrella too. But it is Self-Love that will shelter me from the storms, and it is Self-Love that will keep me dry on rainy days.

There will be much more about self-love in the coming days and weeks, such as my theory about how Self-Love is soul retrieval. I have yet to decide officially how often I’ll post updates on my word; right now I’ll go gently and say once a month.

In addition to my major one-word selection, I was inspired by a post at At Brigid’s Forge about Lunaea’s tradition of picking a word out of a bowl. My word chose me, so picking a word out of the bowl would merely be a subtitle or a subtext of my chosen word. I thought it would be fun, though.

So I picked a word out of the bowl using Lunaea’s three page list of words, and I got Vivacity. Yourdictionary.com says it’s “liveliness of spirit; animation”. I like it!

I also selected a color for my year inspired by Bridget Pilloud. The color I chose is a deep but vibrant purple, closer to the blue end of the spectrum. Bridget Pillioud says it signifies “intense soul connection with the divine. A deep sense of compassion for others.” Wow.

I’m excited already, for a vivaciously self-loving year full of purple!