Sara's Virtual Notebook

Today is my Day 2 of the Radiant Goddess eCourse in Goddess School. It’s been a whirlwind of grocery shopping and food prep for me, in the past 24 hours I have made raw salsa from scratch, gluten-free tabouleh and I just made baked vegetables with mushroom and thyme sauce — it was absolutely de-yum. Add to that Leonie’s wonderfully touching daily meditations and I feel right at home in Goddess School!

It has been a relief to have such a positive focus because I had a hard decision to make, and decision-making has never been my strong suit. After months of waiting to see my new GI doc, last week I did, only to have him say he cannot help me until he does a full workup and a biopsy. Unfortunately, my insurance year began March 1st, and our deductible quadrupled, and the biopsy is subject to the deductible. Had I managed to see this doc earlier I would have been completely covered, my deductible having been met when I had my gallbladder surgery last year.

As you probably know, I became free of credit card debt in February (though I do still carry a few personal debts, which were set to be paid off very soon). As you may also know, it has been my wish not once, but twice, to go to Squam. I thought that dream was a reality when I made a deposit in February and got all my first choice classes! But when I was told that I would be responsible for the first $2000 of my procedure, it seemed that was hanging in the balance.

2010 is my Year of Self-Love. My first inclination with this in mind, was that I ought to be able to have the procedure and still go to Squam. But, torn, I set the options and the weighing of the decision aside for a while. When I returned to it, I viewed it through two lenses:

1. The Lens of my Life Values

Earlier this year I did an exercise, designed to inform my decisions around money. In the exercise, you determine what your 5 core values are so that you can ask yourself, each time you spend money, if you’re spending money on what really matters to you. I used that model when I decided to sign up for Squam, because the retreat covered not one but TWO of my values: Nature and Creativity. However, Health is also one of my core values. And without attending to my health, there is no creativity to explore and no time to spend in nature.

2. Joy vs. Peace

Each choice available to me came with its own essence. I knew instinctively that being able to contribute as much as possible to paying my medical fees up front, and incurring as little debt for the shortest time possible to pay the rest, was the path of peace. And that being able to go to Squam would be a source of joy. Which essence is more easy to come by? Honestly, while I can do all sorts of fun and creative things for free or for very little money, there was only one way for me to achieve peace regarding my finances.

Thus, the choice was made to forfeit Squam this year. Of course it makes me sad, but I know that it is the right decision. At least I can find some consolation in that, and in finding my radiance at Goddess School. I share my decision-making process here because I dearly wish someone had taught me how to make these kinds of decisions much, much sooner. Maybe someone will find this useful.

Cheers and green smoothies….